My alarm is set for 7:00 am. I, quite skilled at hitting the snooze button, don't get out of bed until nearly 8:30... a mistake I'm regretting all morning. Derek's still working on his parents' company server, so I face the prospect of hauling all three kids to church by myself. Stumbling into the kitchen to fix bagels and orange juice for the kids, I manage to blindly fumble around and turn on the coffee pot. I put the children into their seats at the table and dish out breakfast. Five minutes later, there's bagels and cream cheese all over the floor (or in Maddie's case, her hair). Apparently, my kids no longer like bagels. Cue peanut butter toast... also a hair product for my one-year-old.
While the kids are eating/body painting with peanut butter, I pull my hair back and put on some makeup so I don't look dead. A shower is out of the question at this point, so it's deodorant and perfume to the rescue. Suck down some coffee and eat the left-over bagel pieces that weren't licked or dropped on the floor. Chase down the boys and wipe them down before they paint the furniture with peanut butter. I get to Maddie and just toss her in the tub. A lone washcloth isn't going to solve that mess.
Meanwhile, the boys are running amuck. Riley, 2, tries to climb in the tub too (we're now 45 minutes away from time to leave). I use one arm to wash Maddie and the other to hold back a now screaming and naked Riley. Caden, 3, thinks the bath looks like fun too and tries to get undressed. I tell him to go find his shoes (a task I know will take at least 10 minutes or more). Get Maddie dried off and drag the still-screaming, still-naked two-year-old out of the bathroom. Dress them with much chasing and wrestling. It's now 15 minutes until we have to leave. I throw on my dress and hunt down some bags of clothes to give away to various people at church.
While I finish getting ready, Riley has dug out the cord to my electric skillet and has successfully pulled out the "baby proof" outlet cover and plugged it in. I find him hiding in his bedroom and playing with it, along with his little sister. Recover from heart attack. As I grab Maddie and slip on my shoes, I smell something... it's her now-dirty diaper. I am regretting the bloomers and fluffy skirt and I scramble to clean her up. Caden is still looking for his shoes, which turn out to be be the front door in plain sight. Riley is in the kitchen again, looking for something else to stick in the electrical outlet. I pry a screwdriver from his toddler fist. More screaming ensues.
By the time I haul all of the children and bags out the door, I'm a sweaty raving lunatic. I feel like I'm herding cats. Two out of my three children are screaming. I'm near-screaming. Everyone's buckled in and we finally drive off. About 10 miles later, I realize I have forgotten the double stroller for Riley and Maddie... which mean I have to let everyone walk... which means I will be a nervous wreck... well, more of a nervous wreck.
The 40-minute trip to church is uneventful (thank you, dvd player) and the children all walk into church nicely. We meet up with my grandmother and check the kids into their Sunday school rooms. The boys run in to play but Maddie's at the age of major separation anxiety. She screams as I leave. I get to the auditorium and remember my phone is still in Maddie's diaper bag. Great. I rush back and peek around the corner of the door, signaling one of the moms in the nursery. She successfully gets my phone out and sneaks it to me without Maddie noticing.
Back in the auditorium with my grandmother, I croak my way through a few songs (my voice is strained for some odd reason) and pull up the Bible app on my phone. I catch about 30% of the sermon, in between zoning out and struggling to stay awake.
Children are picked up and cheerful, giving me an armful of crafts they made. I have a brief hope that they will be more manageable, but spend the next 30 minutes trying to corral them out the door. Riley makes a beeline for the busy parking lot. I scream, running for him with Maddie under one arm. Caden's flying behind me with coloring pages in hand. Thankfully, another dad sees this and grabs Riley before he runs in front of an SUV. I'm trying really hard to restrain myself at this point and inform Riley his backside will be on fire later.
It's 1:00 pm at this point and I decide (stupidly) to just grab sandwich fixings at the store on the way home. After an hour-long torturous trip involving lots of screaming and tantrums, I arrive home around 3:00, quickly feed the children, and put them down for late naps. Forget making myself a sandwich at this point. I just eat some pieces of ham and cheese, grab a glass of wine, and sink into the couch before passing out. This is a normal day.
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